Looking back on life.......

Can you hear the sound of bells?
Always ringing and reminding
Echoing down the hall:
Nothing can’t be overcome
Xenophobic as I am, but,
Giving me warmth and life
Inside me you abide

I am feeling quite nostalgic recently, and sad as well… It’s a different kind of sadness – it doesn’t occur because of what you did but more of what you never did; it is not the fault of others but just that fate is wicked; it is omnipresent but you won’t notice most of the time.
I know I’m starting to sound a bit fluffy, and weird, but its just something that I must SHOUT out loud….and I seriously feel guilty for treating some of my friends (you know who you are…) as just an avenue for me to pour my troubles out. I’m sorry guys, real sorry that I wasted your time and money =) You guys can abuse me anytime you like too! =P

Looking back, there’s so much I want to say. The past 19 years and 6 months of my life has indeed been very short, but memorable and exciting. As a kid, life was literally just about having fun, as well as learning new things. It was a period of time which I did not care about betrayal (ok, maybe a bit but certainly not backstabbing! And I was quite innocent back then), and neither did I care about survival, future and so on. Family was also important, and I still treasure the relationship which I enjoyed with my siblings and my parents.

But, as time moves on, priorities changed. Grades, studies, career, money, and the future started to filter into my life. Ok, its not as if they had much of an impact on me. I mean, since young, I have always been top 3 in class (come to think of it, I think I’ve been top 3 in class right from Primary 1 to JC 2), so it’s something that comes pretty normal to me. And the best part is that I never had to slogged it out like mad, and I still remember how much my dad keeps commenting that I never seem to be studying but instead is just wasting my time away on the computer. Granted, I was in a neighbourhood primary school which was certainly not that competitive as others, and even in secondary school I was in such a small class (13 but if you include my level, its 26) and in JC its more or less the same (19 people only). But what’s the point of all these academic achievements? On CCA side, I never really excelled in sports (its such a HUGE irony considering that my dad excels in many different sports – guess his genes never passed on), my achievements weren’t great, neither was my leadership (so what if I was a prefect in the past and I went on to be a student leader). To some extent, there is this huge tinge of regret that I never tried to be a councillor – maybe that can be reserved for my UNI days.

Haiz, when it comes to regrets, it just keeps pouring out from me. Why didn’t I go RI, why didn’t I joined NPCC, why didn’t I go HCJC (or RJC for that matter), why didn’t I bother to shine in BMT (seriously speaking, I think I really want SPFOS leh…but I don’t know…), why didn’t I do certain stuff that I like, why didn’t I have the courage to do certain important things in life……… I don’t wish to explain further as some of you would have heard my ramblings before……….

And the point is? Aren’t all those stuff just material stuff? Do I just want fame and honour? NO… I do have ambitions. Those stuff are merely just tools to aid me in my career, securing a well-paying job which I like. I have dreamt to be a scientist (when I was a kid), then a lawyer, after which an entrepreneur, then a government administrator, a police officer … Well, guess I’m temporarily stuck to be an educator. But no matter what, I’m always constantly searching for a job that I love and like. I’m not someone who likes to stay in a comfort zone, so I’m not discounting any other jobs from my wish list yet.

And the whole point is? Love and family. Yea, I want to take good care of my parents, aid my siblings if necessary and raise my children. I want them to grow up and have dreams. A bit far-fetched right? Well, then what about your thinking about the people who raised you from young. I’m deeply indebted to my parents, and I have an obligation to take good care of them. I want to provide them with a comfortable life, and that is real important as I just realised that most likely I have around only 20 years left to take care of them. It’s one of those stuff that you will never realise usually, unless you sit down and daydream.

SO what am I saying? In life, everything is about right time, right place, right people. And to achieve this 3 conditions, its all fate. I’m a firm believer of fate for too many things have happened that have made me realised its existence.

And instead of being fatalistic, cheer up and treasure the things around you. You may not like certain things at the moment, but just persevere, for at the end of every darkness, there’s always light!

song: Ou De Yang -- Peng you zui jing hao ma